So, here’s what I’m thinking: A. My life sometimes seems like an episode of “America’s Funniest Home Videos”; and B. My body has been possessed by the spirit of Lucy. 

That’s what I’m thinking. Seriously. YouTube here I come.

Take the other day when a video camera should’ve been up and recording. I’d picked up a friend for lunch, and we were about to get into my vehicle to head to the border. Or, so we thought.  

My car has one of those key pads on the driver’s side door. But, when I plugged in the number, only the passenger’s door unlocked. Great. Just terrific. That meant I was going to have to get in on the passenger’s side, climb over the console and somehow get my short, chubby body situated behind the steering wheel. Keep in mind that it’s not easy to scrunch a short, chubby body with stubby legs behind a steering wheel when the seat is as close as possible so I can reach the gas pedal.

It was a sight to be seen, I’m sure. I had no problem getting my backside from the passenger’s seat to the driver’s seat. The problem was getting my stubby legs over the console and under the steering wheel. That was a struggle of epic proportions.

Unfortunately, the story doesn’t end there. Oh, no. Remember, I’m possessed by the spirit of Lucille Ball.

I’d worked up quite a sweat trying to get behind the wheel and felt I had earned at least a taco or two because of my efforts. Hungry and now more worried about getting out from behind the steering wheel, I wasn’t focusing on malfunctioning door locks or keeping track of car keys. 

First, I had to come up with a plan. Simply moving in reverse from the way I’d gotten behind the wheel wasn’t an option. There was no way I could simply slide out from behind the wheel and over the console thanks to my stubby legs. I couldn’t stretch out vertically without bopping my head on the car ceiling. It was time to be creative. 

I decided to go head first. But, it had to be on my back. Now, if getting in was a struggle of epic proportions, getting out was a monumental task. It took some doing, but I was able to push myself across the console, where the middle of my back was resting. I kept thinking of the rhyme, “There was a crooked man.”

The problem was being head first heading out the passenger side door. It wasn’t like I could slither out like a snake. After some maneuvering, I was able to sit up with my back facing the passenger’s door. But now what? Once again the console and the dash were preventing me from simply swinging over my stubby legs so I could sit in an upright position.

Wouldn’t you know while all this was going on, there was a woman waiting to get into the car next to mine. I should’ve charged admission. I finally stretched out far enough to reach the roof of the car with my hands so I ended up very slowly pulling myself out. Part of the dliemma was a fear of falling out the door back first and going splat on the pavement.

Talk about working up an appetite. Finally, we got something to eat. I was famished. It’d taken so long getting in and then out of the car, I felt like we had to wolf down our food.

Full and ready to face the afternoon, we headed out to my vehicle. Now, you would think the gods would’ve had enough fun making out like a cat toying with a mouse, but no. 

Remember that malfunctioning key pad? It was still malfunctioning. But this time, it wouldn’t even unlock the passenger’s side. Did I remember to bring along my keys? Oh, no, that would’ve been too easy. Now, we were locked out.

I looked at my friend, and she looked at me. Neither of us had a cell phone. So, the next and seemingly only idea? Walk to the dealership down the road. Yes, walk on a hot, hot, hot weekday afternoon. Great, I’m thinking, just great. My friend was probably thinking, “Never again am I having lunch with Deb. There’s just too much drama.” 

While the new sidewalk along Mall Road is nice, on a day like the one we were having, it would’ve been nicer if the sidewalk had been the moving kind. But, hey, the way I saw it, not only were we getting a little exercise, we also were making room for a second lunch.

With sweat dripping down my face, I left out the details when I told the receptionist that I’d locked myself out of my car because the key pad failed to work. 

“You know,” she said, “You’re never supposed to leave your keys in your car.” It’s a lesson I should know well. Not one I’ve learned, but one I know well because it’s happened before — the malfunctioning key pad. I think I already have about three spare keys laying around the house somewhere. Now I was about to have a fourth to add to the collection.

Once the new spare key was finished, we headed back to Taco Bell. Thrilled, to say the least. Once again, I had to crawl over the passenger’s seat to get into the driver’s seat. The task was no easier despite having pulled it off earlier. 

I’d decided that as soon as I dropped off my friend at her workplace, I was heading straight back to the dealer. Just for kicks, after pulling into the parking lot, I decided to give the driver’s side door a try.

Based on my luck so far, what do you think happened? Of course the door opened. Instead of having to crawl over the seats all those times, all I would have had to do was use the door latch and the dang door would’ve opened right up. For some reason, I’d assumed, yes, assumed, the lock was broken.

Nice, huh? 

Now, wouldn’t that have been a video worth voting for?

Deb Saine is a columnist for the Pharos-Tribune. She can be reached through the newspaper at ptnews@pharostribune.com